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ChristaneseA communicable language within the Christian subculture with words and phrases created, redefined, and / or patened that applies only to the Christian sphere of influence.

Have you ever prayed for a “hedge of protection?” Have you prayed to “Jehovah Jara” lately? Do you regularly have to take measures in “guarding your heart?” If this is you, then you are speaking Christianese and you may be driving all common folk bat wild crazy by using terms that mean nothing to anyone outside the church.

Sure using these terms may have significance to use inside the church but that is where Christians should keep it. Let’s review some of the phrases that need to be filtered in the real world so we can assimilate into dominant culture without getting a wedgie or swirly.


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18 or lower means you're not stupid.

[x] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking.
[x] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were NOT talking.
[x] You have ran into a glass/screen door.
[ ] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.
[x] You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you weird looks.
So far: 4
[ ] You have ran into a tree.
[ ] It IS possible to lick your elbow
[ ] You just tried to lick your elbow.
[x] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same rhythm.
[x] You just tried to sing them.
so far: 6

[ ] You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.
[x] You have choked on your own spit.
[ ] You have seen the Matrix and still don't get it.
[ ] Your hair is blonde.
[x] People have called you slow.
So far: 7

[ ] You have accidentally caught something on fire
[ ] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose/eyes.
[ ] You have caught yourself drooling.
[x] You've fallen asleep in class
[ ] If someone says "fart" you laugh.
So far: 8

[x] Sometimes you just stop thinking.
[x] You are telling a story and forget what you were talking about
[ ] People are often shaking their heads and walk away from you
[ ] You are often told to use your "inside voice".
[ ] You use your fingers to do simple math.
So far: 10

[ ] You have eaten a bug.
[x] You are taking this test when you should be doing something important
[ ] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn't realize it
[x] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand or pocket

So far: 12
[x] You sometimes post bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don't.
[ ] You break a lot of things.
So far: 13

[ ] Your friends know not to use big words around you
[ ] You sometimes tilt your head when you're confused
[x] You have fallen out of your chair before
So far:14

[ ] When you're laying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture of the ceiling
[x] The word "umm" is used many times a day

14 total. i guess that means i amn't a complete idiot.

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