For women only what you need to know about the inner lives of men By Shaunti Feldhahn Book Review written by Elizabeth Marks Don’t you love finding out about a really good book that a friend has read? I do. Ruth and I met when our sons were in small group together at our church. We’ve been friends for 5 years now. One day I was picking up my son from Ruth’s house, when she invited me in. We talked and got caught up with what God was going on in each other’s lives. Just as I was about to leave, Ruth left the room suddenly to retrieve a book she wanted to pass on to me. The book was called “for women only what you need to know about the inner lives of men”. By the sound of the book’s title, it sounded interesting. I noticed the Beth Moore quote on the cover “What an important book!” As I love Beth Moore books and teachings, if she thought it was important, then it’s probably worth take the time to read. I didn’t know if I’d have the time right now, but I accepted the book anyway and promised to return it when I finished. (Oh, that reminds me, I need to get the book back!) I started reading it on my lunch break at work. The first thing I noticed about this book was the casual way it’s written. It’s an easy read with only nine chapters. As I discovered in Chapter 1, this book was created out of research she was doing for another book she was writing. For one of the character’s she was developing, she wanted to get further insight on how the man might think, so she did some research and began interviewing about 1000 different men. Some of the men she interviewed were CEOs, attorneys, pastors, technology geeks, business managers, security guards and regular guys working at Starbucks. As she gathered the details, she noticed several “consistent themes” showing up and wanted to back up her findings with solid evidence, which resulted in professional survey of 400 random, anonymous, heterosexual men across the country, both religious and non-religious, varying in age from twenty-one to seventy five, and who were either married or single. She even conducted a second follow up survey with religious men to validate several points she discovered. Like her, my work involves statistical data gathering, so I found it interesting how the data lead her down the path of writing this book. I also appreciated how the author, Shaunti Feldhahn, laid out the ground rules before she got into the subject at hand. 1) There’s no male-bashing in this book. She honors the men who have shared their hearts with her and hopes this insight will help women appreciate the wonderful differences between man and women. 2) The focus of the book is entirely on how we, as women, relate to men and not the other way around. 3) Recognize there are always exceptions to the rule, so when she says “most” men …., she’s means “most” and not “all”. Her survey data showed between 80-90% of men feel the way she describes in various parts of this book. 4) This book is meant to point out what’s normal inside men, not necessarily what is right in the outward appearance. 5) She warns the readers, there may be distressing information shared that may affect our view of men in our lives. (I agree with this statement!) 6) This book is not just about learning new juicy secrets about how men think. It’s meant to help us understand our men better. Chapter 2 dealt with why our love is not enough and how respect means more to our man than love does. Can you imagine that? Some of you may have heard that men need respect, while women need love, right? Well, this chapter provided man’s view on this. If a man feels that he’s not respected, he will also feel he’s unloved. Through this book, I was finally able to see how, for a man, the two are connected. Men have needs, just as we do and it’s our responsibility to meet his needs. I don’t want to give the whole book away, but some of their needs are for women to respect their judgment and abilities, as well as respect them in public when we speak of our husbands whatever we say should be honoring. Chapter 3 discussed that men often feel like imposters. It was interesting to learn some men work so hard because they feel like they have to in order to proof themselves worthy. Men shared in the survey they feel like they are always being judged. The rest of the chapter talked about what we, as wives can do to alleviate that “feeling of being imposters” by building their confidence. Shaunti provides some good insights on how to that. Chapter 4 revealed that man was designed to provide and no matter how much money the wife contributes to the family, the husband will probably still be driven to provide. It’s just how God made man. Being the provider is core to man’s identity. Taking that away robs him of his God given responsibility that can damage a relationship. This section described how the need to provide is the primary way a man says “I love you”. How many of you have complained about your husband working so many hours? I know I have. In essence we complain about it, we’re basically telling our husbands we don’t want their love! (Yikes! I know that’s not what I want to convey.) Chapter 5 describes how sex changes everything for a man. This really was an eye opening chapter for me. It always seemed like men want/need more sex than women, but this section described from the man’s point of view why. I had no idea that sex fulfills a powerful emotional need for man. Good sexual relations within marriage, enables the man to feel loved, desired, and helps him stay confident. But the thing that I found a HUGE eye-opener was for a man, the closeness he gets from making love, is exactly how as a woman we desire his time, attention and affection. You’ll definitely find some good information in this chapter. Chapter 6, however, was a distressing section for me. The idea that men are visual is definitely not something new. This chapter explained the way sensual images barrage the man’s mind whether they like it or not. I found that to be more information than I was ready for. I found it very disturbing. How can men possibly function, with all the annoying and uninvited images streaming into their minds? If it happened to me I don’t think I could to focus very well. The men of the survey explain how this was a very real battle for them. As a result, this knowledge should help us be more prayerful of our husbands. Chapter 7 talked about how men like romance as much as women do, but often times don’t show it for they fear they will fail at it. How sad? Our men may not take the risk of romancing us, because they don’t think they’ll succeed at pleasing us. That should send red alert flags up. Ladies, if we want romance, we can’t be critical of our man’s attempts. There are lots of good insights here. Chapter 8 describes why what’s on the outside really matters to him. The author warns the reader to pray before proceeding because the subject might be touchy for some. It has to do with a women’s appearance. The author was careful not to say that a woman’s looks are all that matter. However, for a man, knowing his wife is making an effort to take care of herself is very important to him. I’ve got several dietary restrictions that prevent me from eating sugar or diary products. As a result, I have always been fairly thin. After reading this section, what I once considered a curse, I now count as a blessing because of how important it is to my husband. The last chapter focused on what man wished their wives would understand. What do you think they wished we knew? It’s probably not what you think it is. Guess what? I’m not going to tell you. You’ll just have to buy or borrow or check out the book at a local library to find out for yourself. It’s worth the read. In closing, here’s what I learned from this book: 1) Men would choose respect over love and affection 2) Men fear they are inadequate 3) Men demonstrate love by working hard 4) Men are more emotional about sex than we are 5) Men want romance but are afraid they’ll fail to please us 6) Men are barraged with visual images that can be distracting 7) Men feel secure when their wives take care of themselves 8) Men really love their wives but know how to say it I would recommend this book to every woman out there. Copyright Elizabeth Marks, author of ThinkOnIt Devotions has a heart for encouraging believers in Jesus Christ with God’s Word. Visit http://www.ThinkOnItDevotions.com for daily devotions, book reviews and helpful links designed to draw you closer to God.