I'm not a fan of Ann Coulter but this article cracked me up, mainly because she called him a stretch-marked cornpone: Liberals sing 'Huckelujah' By Ann Coulter All I want for Christmas is for Christians to listen to what Mike Huckabee says, rather than what the media say about him. The mainstream media keep flogging Huckabee for being a Christian, apparently unaware that this "God" fellow is testing through the roof in focus groups. Huckabee is a "compassionate conservative" only in the sense that calling him a conservative is being compassionate. He responded to my column last week – pointing out that he is on record supporting the Supreme Court's sodomy-is-a-constitutional-right decision – by saying that he was relying on the word of a caller to his radio show and didn't know the details of the case. Ironically, that's how most people feel about sodomy: they support it until they hear the details. First, I'd pay a lot of money to hear how a court opinion finding that sodomy is a constitutional right could be made to sound reasonable. But the caller had the right response when Huckabee asked him, "What's your favorite radio station?" So he seemed like a reliable source. Second, Huckabee's statement that he agreed with the court's sodomy ruling was made one week after the decision. According to Nexis, in that one week, the sodomy decision had been the cover story on every newspaper in the country, including The New York Times. It was the talk of all the Sunday news programs. It had been denounced by every conservative and Christian group in America – as well as other random groups of sane individuals having no conservative inclinations whatsoever. The highest court in the land had found sodomy was a constitutional right! That sort of thing tends to make news (I was going to say the sodomy ruling got publicity up the wazoo, but this is, after all, Christmas week). So this little stretch-marked cornpone is either lying, has a closed head injury, is a complete ignoramus – or all of the above. Huckabee opposes school choice, earning him the coveted endorsement of the National Education Association of New Hampshire, which is like the sheriff being endorsed by the local whorehouse. He is, however, in favor of school choice for kids in Mexico: they have the choice of going to school there or here. Huckabee promoted giving in-state tuition in Arkansas to illegal immigrants from Mexico – but not to U.S. citizens from Ohio. "I don't believe you punish the children," he said, "for the crime and sins of the parents." Since when is not offering someone lavish taxpayer-funded benefits a form of punishment? That's almost as crazy as a governor pardoning a known sex offender so he can go out and rape and kill. Huckabee claims he's against punishing children for the crimes of their fathers in the case of illegal immigrants. But in the case of slavery, he believes the children of the children's children should be routinely punished for the crimes of their fathers. Huckabee has said illegal immigration gives Americans a chance to make up for slavery (I thought letting O.J. walk for murdering two people was payback for slavery). Just two years ago, Huckabee cheerfully announced to a meeting of the Hispanic advocacy group League of United Latin American Citizens that "Pretty soon, Southern white guys like me may be in the minority." Who's writing this guy's speeches – Al Sharpton? (Actually, take out "Southern" and "white," and I agree with Huckabee's sentiment.) He said the transition from Arkansas' Southern traditions would "require extraordinary efforts on both sides of the border." But, curiously, most of the efforts Huckabee described would come entirely from this side of the border. Arkansas, he pledged, would celebrate diversity "in culture, in language and in population." He said America would have to "accommodate" those who come here. All that he expected from those south of the border was that they have a desire to provide better opportunities for their families. Basically, we have to keep accommodating everyone but U.S. citizens. For those of you keeping score at home, this puts Huckabee just a little to the left of Dennis Kucinich on illegal immigration and border control. The only difference is that Kucinich supports amnesty for aliens from south of the border and north of Saturn. In a widely quoted remark, Huckabee denounced a Republican bill that would merely require proof of citizenship to vote and receive government benefits as "un-Christian, un-American, irresponsible and anti-life," according to the Arkansas News Bureau. Now, where have I heard this sort of thing before? Hmmm ... wait, now I remember: it was during the Democratic debates! In his current attempt to pretend to be against illegal immigration, Huckabee makes a meaningless joke about how the federal government should track illegals the way Federal Express tracks packages. (Can a Mexican fit in one of those little envelopes?) In other words, Huckabee is going to address the problem of illegal immigration by making jokes. It's called leadership, folks. Huckabee confirms for liberal TV hosts their image of conservatives as dorks by bragging about how cool he is because he "likes music." What's he doing – running for president or filling out his Facebook profile? Arkansas' former fatty loves to make jokes and play the bass guitar. Remember what happened to the last former fat boy from Arkansas trying to be "cool" by liking music? I'll take "Stained Dresses" for $400, Alex. According to Huckabee, most people think conservatives don't like music. Who on earth says conservatives don't like music – other than liberals and Mike Huckabee? This desperate need to be liked by liberals has never led to anything but calamity. Huckabee wants to get kids involved in music at an early age because he believes it leads to a more balanced and developed brain. You know, as we saw with the Jackson family. Maybe someone should tell him the Osmonds are voting for Romney. He supports a nationwide smoking ban anyplace where people work, constitutional protection for sodomy, big government, higher taxes and government benefits for illegal aliens. According to my calculations, that puts him about three earmarks away from being Nancy Pelosi. Liberals take a perverse pleasure.