Alright now this some next level stuff for me, I'm way in over my head and don't know what to do about it. Perhaps some wise praizers can advise. As some of the guys know from the males only forum, I recently began a new relationship with this girl I met at camp. I mean she's great. Funny, intelligent, passionate, driven, loves the Lord, not legalistic, honest, etc. We fell for each other pretty quickly and I'm sort of still gathering my wits about me. Our official relationship at this point is only about 2 1/2 weeks old but we've tried to be very up front and honest with one another, including discussing the difficult relationships we've had in our pasts. Here's where it gets tricky. I asked her point blank if she was a virgin and she had to tell me that she was not - that the guy she dated last was very manipulative, on-again-off-again, basically emotionally abusing her to the point where she had sex with him even though it wasn't her intention to do so. This was over two years ago. It didn't continue, and they broke up eventually severing all ties. I have to admit, this revelation has sort of turned my world upside down. I have been very chaste in my past relationships, always saving myself and in fact going above and beyond the call of duty in terms of physical purity. I never imagined that I would ever consider marrying someone who had not done the same. And yet here I am considering it. I guess what I want to know is which part of my mind do I let win? She is genuinely repentant about what happened and hates that it hurts me as much as it does. I accept that Christ has forgiven her as he also forgave me (I'm not without sexual sin in my past though of a different sort - I was addicted to pornography for years). So I feel like I can forgive her. I feel like she deserves that, deserves someone to come and love her the right way, to treat her with respect. So part of me says I just need to get over this, be glad she was up front and honest, and move through it. Don't make it an issue in the relationship. The hard part is... it's eating me up inside. Another part of me says I deserve better, deserve not to have that complication in my relationship when I didn't do anything wrong to put it there. From a purely intellectual standpoint, I would have just ended it there (or if I had known this before I probably never would have started dating her) but I feel like I can't just drop her for this, for something that she didn't do directly against me. It was years ago, she didn't know me, it's not like she cheated on me. I'm just not that cold and calloused. She says she'll never compare me to him, that we're nothing alike - but how can I trust that that's true? Is it even possible? I mean, I believe she's still a complete person, total and whole, and restored by the blood of Jesus. But I have trouble getting my emotions to follow behind that intellectual standpoint. I have trouble thinking that if I were to see her walking down the aisle in white one day, or sharing the marriage bed for the first time, that somewhere in the back of my mind it wouldn't be gnawing at me that I'm not the only one. That wouldn't be fair to either of us. Also, the guy was tested for STD's and was clean, but I feel like the prudent thing would be for her to be tested also. I don't want to keep reminding her that this happened, but for the future of our relationship I feel like these things need to be hashed out now. So my questions I guess are these. Would it be morally correct for me to continue with this girl, or would it be best for me to let her go before we get more involved? Do you think there is anything morally wrong with me pursuing her, i.e., is she technically married to this other guy in God's eyes? Should I tell her that I'm feeling this way? She already has an idea of how difficult this is for me cause I cried for a long time when she told me and had to leave and get some distance and perspective before I could face her again. I know if I can't get over this issue now it will only get worse and continue to push us apart as the relationship grows. When we're together it isn't so much of an issue. I look in her eyes and hold her and I don't see anything dirty or broken. I really care for her. And if that's the way I feel, shouldn't I just take that, hold onto it, and commit to loving her as completely as I can? This is a very delicate issue that I only bring here because I don't know who I can tell in real life without feeling like I'm betraying her trust. Perspectives are appreciated.

Funny enough, when presented with that situation, I never wrestled with it like you are. I knew I wasn't my ex's first before we started dating, but I didn't really care. I mean, sure, it bothered me that another guy had experienced something that I had hoped to one day be the only one to do, and the prospect of a comparison arising wasn't one that I particularly relished, but I trust that if a relationship is based on love -- not lust -- the thought of comparing and contrasting what happens in bed will never cross her mind. It's natural for it to be an emotional thing, but it's usually even more so for women, and the emotional bonds between you and her would overcome any prior manipulations that had occurred in her past. Basically, I would go for it. The past is the past. And, like you said, if you had been addicted to porn (as most guys have been/are) then, as Jesus pointed out, that's already committing the act in your heart. It helps to remind ourselves that we're all sinners. Her getting tested may be a delicate subject, but it probably is wise regardless. I guess just be crazy prudent when discussing it and show your support for the relationship as much as you can. Now, a serious question you should ask yourself: if she's positive for an STD, what will you do?

She's still the same girl you started dating. Now, I understand where you're coming from because I believe I come from a similar sort of background. Only in my case probably stricter because I'm a girl. I'm not sure you understand it though. Or at least I'm not sure I fully understand what you're saying. Break it down. Why does this bother you? What, exactly, is the problem? Does it change her? Does it change how you think of her? Is she worth less to you because she is not 'pure'? I'm not saying you have no right to be upset, you feel what you feel and that's understandable. But why do you feel that way? What, exactly, is standing in the way?

I appreciate the help and affirmation. I really do. Some comments. [b]MisterNathan wrote:[/b] [quote]Funny enough, when presented with that situation, I never wrestled with it like you are. I knew I wasn't my ex's first before we started dating, but I didn't really care. I mean, sure, it bothered me that another guy had experienced something that I had hoped to one day be the only one to do, and the prospect of a comparison arising wasn't one that I particularly relished, [/quote] I know, right? So you see where I'm coming from on this even if it didn't affect you the same way. [quote]but I trust that if a relationship is based on love -- not lust -- the thought of comparing and contrasting what happens in bed will never cross her mind. It's natural for it to be an emotional thing, but it's usually even more so for women, and the emotional bonds between you and her would overcome any prior manipulations that had occurred in her past.[/quote] Yeah... and while I definitely cringe at the thought of any comparison taking place, it's also virtually guaranteed that the comparison would be positive. Sex should be loving and gentle and caring and she's never experienced that. [quote]Basically, I would go for it. The past is the past. And, like you said, if you had been addicted to porn (as most guys have been/are) then, as Jesus pointed out, that's already committing the act in your heart. It helps to remind ourselves that we're all sinners.[/quote] It does, and I have. When she confessed to me about her past I also confessed my sin and asked forgiveness. As tough as this is I kind of feel like it's a good start that we are able to talk about this and get these things out in the open. I never told my ex of four years about my struggle with pornography. I just couldn't do it. This girl now is one of only about three real-life people (no offense, praizers) to know this about me. [quote]Her getting tested may be a delicate subject, but it probably is wise regardless. I guess just be crazy prudent when discussing it and show your support for the relationship as much as you can.[/quote] Well, I already broached the subject which is how I know about the douche-bag being tested. She said she would be willing to go and do it if I ask her to. [quote]Now, a serious question you should ask yourself: if she's positive for an STD, what will you do?[/quote] .............F my life.

[b]larry229 wrote:[/b] [quote]She's still the same girl you started dating. [/quote] I know. And she doesn't want this to change my perception of her and I'm trying not to let it. But to an extent it can't be helped. I mean I liked her in part because she wasn't as "innocent" as the last girl I dated. I like that we can joke about adult things and watch R-rated movies and curse because we think it's funny. It's a very refreshing, fun dynamic in our relationship. Knowing this about her makes me worry just a little that she's too easily influenced (which she admits to, she can be convinced to do almost anything if it sounds fun) yet at the same time I know she's a strong woman with very specific opinions and beliefs. So I guess I'm still figuring out that balance, how to encourage her to be herself and live life fully while still being something of a protector. [quote]Why does this bother you?[/quote] It bothers me for the reasons that Nathan already stated, as well as because I have to wrestle with myself and give up an ambition that I had for my life, which was for my eventual wife and I to lose our virginity to one another. That may seem sentimental in today's world, but it's not totally unreasonable. I'm actually not worried at all about her being unfaithful or anything like that. If anything she's loyal to a fault. I'm more worried that I will unwillingly sabotage our relationship by not getting over what happened. [quote] Does it change her? Does it change how you think of her? Is she worth less to you because she is not 'pure'? [/quote] The answer to the last question is definitely "no." The thing is she IS pure in God's eyes. She's been forgiven and covered in the blood of Christ and so positionally she's as perfect and righteous as Jesus Himself. We have both kissed people before. Does it somehow mean less when we kiss each other? I don't think it does. Carry that logic out, it doesn't mean making love will somehow mean less either.

[b]BrotherReed wrote:[/b] [quote][quote]Now, a serious question you should ask yourself: if she's positive for an STD, what will you do?[/quote] .............F my life.[/quote] lol Funny enough, this topic [i]also[/i] came up in a relationship, where, due to abnormal body functions, she (and her doctor) thought she might have an STD. While she spent the next week awaiting the test results, we had a few days to discuss what the future may hold for us in lieu of the results. I decided I wanted to stand by her even if she was positive for something. At best, it's treatable and a moot point. At worst, it's just another reason to wait until marriage so the love doesn't get spread even more. Well, technically at worst I suppose it could be worse than that, but those particular body issues weren't symptomatic of something so serious, so I didn't even contemplate that. Basically, I guess, the question I asked myself boils down to how willing am I to be 100% committed to this relationship?

Yeah... I feel like that's a conversation I'd rather not have until we're face to face. If I'm gonna bring that up I want to at least be able to hold her. Won't see her for almost two weeks and I miss her like heck. Thanks everyone for the advice, seriously. I think it really helped me just to be able to put all this down on the screen and sort my thoughts. Btw, if Nathan or larry is willing I might ask one of you to get rid of this thread. Not because I'm embarrassed of it but because it's still possible I have one or two real life acquaintances that may visit MyPraize and I'd rather they not know the details of this relationship.

I can move it now if you'd like. We have a trash bin now (Thanks, Nate) so we will still have it on record if you ever want to bring it back up if you want. Or, we can totally trash it and pretend like it never happened. Your choice.